


Jesus Christ!

by DoreyG



Category: Christian Bible
Genre: Character Does Not Understand Why They Suddenly Have a Cult, Crack, Gen, My Best Estimation of What This Canon is About, Osmosis Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 20:29:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21380131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoreyG/pseuds/DoreyG
Summary: "So," Jesus says, nervously. "Just be nice to each other."
Comments: 13
Kudos: 44
Collections: Osmosis Exchange





	Jesus Christ!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ba_lailah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ba_lailah/gifts).

> This is an Osmosis fic for an exchange, I'll try to change the fandom to Undisclosed Fandom soon after reveals.
> 
> I've never actually read the bible, I've just watched the Life of Brian multiple times. As such, I remembered literally as I went to post that Jesus probably isn't in the Old Testament. In the spirit of this exchange I decided to post anyway, and hope you enjoy.
> 
> Potential trigger note: this mentions several things (homophobia, sexism abortion supression) that nuts fundamental Christians are strangely keen on. Please read carefully regarding those.

"So," Jesus says, nervously. "Just be nice to each other."

The crowd in front of him, made up of men and women and women wearing incredibly fake looking beards, shifts uncertainly. They look at each other, they mumble, they count on their fingers and seem to be giving the concept a great deal of thought...

Eventually a man near the front very slowly raises his hand. "Oppress the poor?"

"What?" Jesus splutters, looking incredulous. "No!"

"Stop anybody but men preaching," A woman next to the original man says, nodding her head in a wise and thoughtful manner.

"_No_."

"Say that gay people are sinful," one of the woman in an obviously fake beard cries out, looking triumphant.

"Absolutely not!" Jesus snaps, placing his hands on his hips and glaring at the crowd in front of him. "Look, I don't know _why_ all you people have started following me around but if you're going to listen to me you're going to have to listen _properly_. Now, repeat after me: just be nice to each other."

The crowd shifts again, seeming even more uncertain than before. They stare at each other, they frown. A few of them even start twitching, as if critical thought is something actually painful to them.

Eventually another one of the men moves forward, looking determined. "Not allow women to have control over their own bodies, and attempt to convince them that a clump of cells in their womb is more important than them?"

"What?"

"And shame women for having sex outside of marriage, even if that isn't their choice," another woman agrees, nodding as if she's absolutely confused of her righteousness. "That's a vital part of it."

"_What_?"

"And remove all adequate pregnancy prevention methods, while also cutting access to adoption and post-natal support," One of the fakely bearded women cries out, actually bouncing on her heels with glee. "Yes, I think we've finally got it!"

"_What_? No!" Jesus pinches his nose between his fingertips, counts to ten very slowly in his head. "No, you definitely haven't got it and I'm not entirely sure why. It's actually really simple. Here, let's try it again: just be nice to each other."

There's a celebratory mood in the crowd now. They all stare at Jesus with an edge of triumph, all looking confidently smug about what they're going to say next.

"Have many children, all of whom will place an untenable strain on the ecosystem of the planet!" Another one of the men, this one with a rather worried looking wife besides him, booms very cheerfully.

"...No."

"Never help anybody in need because they're far less deserving than us, and wouldn't have been in need in the first place if they'd been blessed by God," Another woman, incredibly smug looking, says to multiple cheers.

"_No_."

"Be _mean_ to people!" One of the women in a fake beard cries, actually leaping into the air and clicking her heels together as she does so.

"_No_!" Jesus yells, and waves his hands in a thoroughly disgruntled way. "That is the exact opposite of what I actually said!"

The launch of Christianity is already off to a roaring start.


End file.
